I distinctly remember having a, a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream. Now that I think back on it, I probably was trying to eat away my pain. This was right after Austin had died and the very first spoonful of vanilla ice cream that I put in my mouth was, so sweet and so cool. And I could literally, it was like the vanilla bean were, jumping off my tongue and my taste buds. And I remember thinking, oh man, this is so good. And instantly right afterwards, feeling guilty that I was enjoying life for one minute. These were in the beginning stages of my grief for Austin. And when you, and I didn’t know anything about grief, I had convinced myself that I was supposed to feel bad all the time. I was supposed to be in the grieving state all the time. And I didn’t find out till much later that grief goes up and down that your emotions change, that you could literally enjoy something and still be grieving.
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